My ex-husband split his summer visitation into two 3 week visits. He lives over 300 miles away. After the first visit I went to pick up my 8 year old daughter at our half-way meeting place. When I got there his wife tried to take my daughter off to the bathroom without me seeing her or speaking to her so I caught up with them and went with them. My daughter clung to me and I ended up carrying her the whole way. His wife never looked at me nor spoke. Anyway when we came back I made my daughter give him and his wife hugs and kisses and put her in the car. My ex pulled me aside and said "I don't want to be an a _ _ but..." I knew there was trouble. He went on to say that my daughter told him that I refused to pack 3 weeks worth of clothes. I told him that was not exactly true. I said that I didn't have enough to pack for 3 weeks nor did I own enough luggage to pack so much. He said "That is fine I don't expect you to pack 3 weeks worth of clothes." He then stated that he went through her luggage and noticed that I had packed two dresses but did not pack any shoes to go with them. When I tried to apologize - he wouldn't hear it. When I tried to explain that my daughter said she already had shoes at her daddy's - he didn't want to hear that. He said that he pays child support every month and expects me to send everything she needs for the time she is with him. I made a comment "What is $7.00?" I thought buying a pair of shoes for his daughter should not be a problem. He could keep them there for her. He blew up cussed at me got in his car and took off. A few days later his wife sends me a certified letter that she forged with his signature stating that if I did not pack sufficient clothing for her next visit they would be forced to file for a modification since I was acting as though I did not have to follow a court order. Questions: Just because I did not send an extra pair of shoes does this mean I did not send sufficient clothing? How much do I need to pack when she goes to her dad's? The order also states that while she is in the custody of either one of us we are to take care of her clothing food and medical needs. Would I be punished or repremanded for not packing an extra pair of shoes? What about her step-mother? Can she legally forge her husband's signature on a certified letter? She is a total problem and I don't think my ex and I would have any problems if she were not in the picture. I am not jealous in any way - I am presently happily married to the world's greatest man! Please help!

Hi! I just found this site tonight posted a question and was just picking around reading various messages when I read yours. Your message struck a chord with me. I could sense your pain and fear in your words so I thought I would reply. I too have gone through a divorce and since remarried. Since I had two kids from my previous marriage I was in the same boat as you having to deal with my ex. There are still bad feelings between us too even though we’ve been divorced for six years. I have spent a considerable amount of time on my knees asking God to help me deal with my ex and to take away my anger. God told me to just ignore the ugly comments from my ex and his wife. God will deal with them in His way and in His time. It doesn’t matter what they think or say to me or about me. All that matters is what God thinks about me. I’m to do the right thing always no matter if they get nasty. I’m to send what my kids need for their stay with their dad and try to be as accommodating as I can to any changes in plans. As far as getting in trouble for not supplying shoes: Remember they are just “puffing” at you. Just ignore their comments. If you are honestly trying to do what is right then you have absolutely nothing to worry about. If they ever did take you to court just remember that there is a judge that hears both not one sides of the story. Judges understand that a lot of what comes into their courtroom is driven by anger and revenge. God has also explained to me that since I remarried I am now under the protection of my husband. He is the head of the household and the rest of the family submits to his authority. He is the front man so to speak. He is the one the world must go through in order to get to the rest of us. In other words he is the one to deal with my ex-husband. He calls my ex and sets up all visitation. If there is any problem then he is the one to contact my ex. I am to have no communication or dealings with my ex. At first this set-up seemed strange especially in this day and age of woman’s lib. But actually it works quite well. I no longer have to hear all the negative comments and my anger is subsiding. The man I am married to now truly loves me and deals with my ex for me since it’s what God wants him to do and it’s much healthier for me! Interestingly enough Gods ways really do work even though we may not have been taught His ways or we think they are weird and just not for today. I am not an attorney. Just as my user name says I'm not an expert in the matters of law. I am though well-versed in the struggles of life! I do know the One to turn to for help with those kinds of struggles.

Thank you so much for your reply. I too am a Christian. I do believe that with God on my side all things will work together for good. I am presently married to a wonderful God-fearing man. We will be married for 4 yrs. this November. He has tried to help me out and deal with my ex for me but it only made things worse. My ex and his wife told my husband he needed to stay out of it. It seems that no matter what I do or what I say it is not good enough for them. I honestly try to do everything just right. I do want peace in our relationship. I have no romantic feelings for my ex. I only want to work together peacefully for our daughter's sake. Since you too are a Christian maybe you can keep me and this situation in your prayers. My ex told me that every conversation I have with him or his wife over the phone is recorded. They are trying everything possible to find dirt on me to take me back to court. They are not happy unless there is something stirred up between us. My ex's wife has even told my daughter lies about me and my family. She told my daughter that they offered her birthday weekend to me and I told them no. That wasn't so! I am a Children's Director at my church and I had to be at Kids Camp that week and wasn't able to drive 300 miles to be there that weekend so I scheduled another weekend to visit her. His wife even talks about me to other people in front of her. She told her mother on her cell phone with my daughter in the car that I am missusing the child support money for personal things. I don't understand why they are being this way. My daughter cries all the time because they talk ugly about me and she doesn't want to be there. The hardest part of it all is that my daughter wants to see her daddy but she doesn't want to spend the night there. She asked me "Mommy why can't I just go and visit Daddy and come right back? Why do I have to spend the night?" She is now 8 and it still bothers her to go. She says she cries all the time when she's there. My heart is broken and I know the only answer to my problem is God! I'm doing my best to leave it in God's hands. I know that no weapon formed against me shall prosper. It's just hard to see my daughter go through so much pain on my behalf. I feel she's being punished for my mistakes. I appreciate your prayers and your friendship. Thank you!

Hi Again! I was just telling a friend a week ago about how God has people’s paths cross. He is really in control of everything. Nothing is a coincidence. After I read your first message the other night I went in to pray with my husband just like we always do before going to bed. We kneeled side-by-side beside the bed and just listened for God to speak into our hearts. I was really tired and was ready to just roll into bed but God had other plans. He just kept pressing down on me to go back to the computer and answer your message. I was not surprised by your response that you are a Christian. I too am one. For the past five years God has really been talking to my husband and me about many different issues including husband-wife relationships. We have turned off all other voices (the voices of this world) and have just been reading God’s word and listening to the voice of the Holy Spirit. There is a lot that needs to be taught in our churches but is not touched because the subject matter is not politically correct and the church leaders are worried about losing their flock. God’s will for our roles in our marriages is clearly in the Bible but not taught or put into practice. His ways seem so foreign to us now yet they are the ways that bring peace and blessing. As with anything you read or hear: Be safe. Don’t take my word for it! Test it out. The following are the scripture references that God has shown me so far about husband–wife relationships: Gen. 3:16 Num. 30:6-810-15 Deut. 17:17 Esther 1:16-22 Amos 4:1-3 Micah 7:56 Mal. 2:13-16 Mark 3:25 I Cor.11:3 7:1-17 Eph. 5:22-33 Col. 3:1819 I Tim. 2:9-15 Ti. 2:5 I Peter 3:1-7 (Please pardon me if I have a typo in the reference list.) Also try this: For one week just give God thirty minutes of your time in the morning after you wake up. Just sit very still and listen for God to speak to you in that still small voice of His. Let Him talk to you about your problem with your ex. Remember He will never say anything that is against the word of God (the Bible). I have a friend that called me a couple months ago and told me that she was leaving her husband and no one was going to talk her out of it. Her husband had done something that would make any woman run for the divorce lawyer. I quietly explained to her what God had already told me about her marriage and that God was going to heal her husband and open his eyes. She didn’t believe me and kept on talking about all the details of leaving her husband. I told her the same thing I just told you. I told her to give God a week to talk to her before she did anything rash. She finally calmed down enough and agreed. She called me back a week later and said she took that time with God and finally heard for herself what God had been trying to tell her all along. She knew she was to stay with her husband and be patient with God in working on her husband. She said the peace of God just filled her heart and then she knew she could make it through this turbulent time with her husband. As I wrote to you before remember that your ex and his wife are just trying to make you miserable. Don’t let them! Ignore them and just listen to what God says about you. Listen to His instructions on dealing with this problem and then obey Him. There will be peace if we do things God’s way even if we are in the presence of our enemies. I am praying that God will also speak to your husband about this issue. He will know that he is the leader of the household and with this God-given position comes great responsibility. Your husband is the one to deal with your ex. It doesn’t matter what your ex says. Your present husband is now over you in the spiritual lineup of authority (God Jesus husband wife children). Let him take over that responsibility. You will see good fruit from relinquishing your position and living your life in accordance with God’s ways.

befuddled It's nice that your ex is willing to deal with your present husband. He's not required to. The law requires that you communicate with the father of your children in regard to matters concerning the children and if you refuse to do so it would strengthen their Dad's case if he ever takes you back for custody/contempt issues. I just wanted to share that for your own protection in case at some point your ex says he'd prefer dealing with you rather than your new husband. I hope things continue to be smoother for you !

As my attorneys had told me the divorce decree is not to dictate a relationship between me and my ex-spouse but actually to bring about peace: peace concerning the division of our property and peace safety and financial support concerning the children. As long as one fulfills the requirements of the decree one has nothing to fear. Basically a divorce decree says we need to pack up and return what the kids need pick up and return them on time and not block our ex-spouse’s access to them. Any change in visitation can be discussed and agreed upon. (My husband e-mails my ex.) We are to keep disruptions in our children’s activities to a minimum. We can have a mediator to help resolve future disputes and have a competent adult take and pick up the children. (My husband does this for me so I don’t have to see my ex face-to-face.) It helps to sit down and actually read the divorce decree so that we are aware of what it really says and what we are obligated to do. (This same logic applies to why we should read the entire Bible.) People like to wield that sword of fear and cause others distress. It boosts their pride and makes them feel powerful. If we are doing what is right and fulfilling the requirements of our divorce decrees concerning our children then we have nothing to fear. We don’t have to fear the judge.

It helps to sit down and actually read the divorce decree so that we are aware of what it really says and what we are obligated to do. (This same logic applies to why we should read the entire Bible.) I'm glad your orders allow for the way you're interpreting YOUR decree. Most people have fairly standard orders. Part of the requirements as parents is that they work together (if possible) to raise their children. If it's best for your children that their step dad handle this part of parenting them and your orders reflect that then GOOD. I'm happy for that. Perhaps you should have told the poster that she should check her decree before following your lead with this? "People like to wield that sword of fear and cause others distress. It boosts their pride and makes them feel powerful." Actually I wasn't looking to feel "powerful" or cause you distress. What I intended was the exact opposite ! I'm sorry you couldn't read it in the spirit it was intended. "If we are doing what is right and fulfilling the requirements of our divorce decrees concerning our children then we have nothing to fear. We don’t have to fear the judge. " Again that is your specific decree and it's not STANDARD. You are the one that should be careful with the advice that you're dishing out in regard to that. Having your new spouse take over communication with the ex can be very detrimental to your position in court if things go sour. (if your decree does not allow for this as most peoples DO NOT) I've been in this position first hand. My ex decided that his new wife should "handle me". Things had been smooth for 4 years post divorce at that point. Six months after they married he gave her the reins with my child and all communication with me. Things were a disaster after that. She was constantly trying to rearrange the visitation schedule to suit her and Dad's social schedules instead of putting the child first. It got to the point that we never knew if Dad was showing up for a pickup or not. There were times he came when it was not a visitation time thinking she'd set up something off the regular schedule when she had not. He'd then accuse me of being uncooperative (choosing to believe her lies that she'd okayed the change with me). It caused a lot of terrible emotions for all involved (my child being the only one of real concern - standing at a door with no one showing up isn't fun neither is finding screaming cursing phone messages about your mother on the answering machine) It was finally settled in a court hearing and Dad was ordered to communicate directly with me - in writing. That's the type of situation that I wanted others to be aware of. I was not trying create any fear or seize any "power". If I threw in a reference to the Bible or to God every other sentence would that make you more accepting of me sharing in your discussions? Yes that last sentence is snotty as that's the impression you've given me. If I don't agree with you - then I'm a heathen and a threat. The end - I'm done with this discussion as well as this site. I know - I'm off to rot in hell for disagreeing with you and your relgious view of your husband being in charge of you (never mind my relgion - it obviously doesn't count since it's not yours)

Every one stay calm. Can't we all just get along? Why this nastiness? New Rule for my Site: IF YOU HAVEN'T GOT SOMETHING CONSTRUCTIVE TO SAY; DON'T SAY IT. Rita M. Boyd

__________________
Sincerely,



Rita M. Boyd
Attorney at Law
www.FamilyAttorneysTexas.com
(972)380-8000 Telephone

One has to cite the Bible and other philosophers because people can be so immoral. I am confronted day after day with people who wantonly walk the fine-line of the law rather than doing what is right. Prosecution-free in this life. I try to convince people to think about their kids first. To be parents. If I have to cite the Bible to do it I will. It is only the children who are suffering. Sadmother the stepmother is obviously under-educated in the area of blended families. Is there someone who could talk to her send a book do something? Because someone is going to have to or the situation is not going to change. The only hope you have is she'll grow out of it. She obviously begrudges the child support and is too selfish to allow your daughter to enjoy her limited time with her Daddy in peace. You're going to have to be the adult. Turn the other cheek a thousand times. Try to make her your friend if you can. Now is not the time to dust your feet. I agree with everything Befuddled said except.... turning the responsibility for dealing with your exhusband over to your husband. I do this for a living o.k.? I see stepparents creating a hundred times more problems than they solve. I do not even allow them in settlement negotiations. A parent alone will do what is right for his kids. A parent with a harpy at his ear will do what he needs to to shut her up. I suggest you contact your ex-husband at work or at a time she is not home and try to effectively communicate. Do not be intimidated by the tape recording business. Is this over state lines? It may be illegal. (I'm not a criminal lawyer). Record it yourself if you're worried. At least you'll have a tape that you know isn't altered. It's been my experience that the Judge will say "You chose him to be this child's father." We (the Judge and the lawyers) did not choose him. Now deal with him. I do not mean that flippantly. Rita M. Boyd Attorney

__________________
Sincerely,



Rita M. Boyd
Attorney at Law
www.FamilyAttorneysTexas.com
(972)380-8000 Telephone