My daughter age 22 has had an on again off again relationship with a man her age. He is abusive and has had many children out of wedlock in the past. None of his children are allowed to see him. He supports none of them but thrives on making women pregnant. His last childs mother has a protective order against for beating his year old daughter for not drinking her water!! Needless to say my daughter got pregnant by this creep. We have cared for her most of her pregnancy as he did things to her like burn all her things beat her threaten to kill us etc. His mother and father are total enablers and get him out of trouble at any time they themselves fight daily and alway take the sons side.. She went back because she thought he would be nice. Well she had the baby 2 weeks ago. I saw the baby in the hospital but he took them to his parents home and refuses to let her come home....the parents help him by making sure she is never alone so she can leave....never alone... theyre all in a one bedroom apartment he's being mean and she cries to me that she told him she wants to come home and he said "you can get but youre not taking the baby"....his parents refuse to bring her home and he has total control of her. Shes very naive and believes everything he says....and his parents....they only want the child there for income tax purposes as they have all these other grandchildren they cant see because their son is well in my opinion sick. We had bought all the things for the baby and he refuses to let her use them he wont let her call home shes believing that if she tries to leave he will keep the baby and she also believes that they will take the baby away from her. I have told her many times wake up and smell the coffee.. he cannot nor his parents keep you there....you are not married to him (he is married already but cannot contact his wife or child for beating them)I tell her just because you had his baby doesnt mean you have to stay with him and certainly doesnt mean that HE or HIS PARENTS can take the child away from her..she thinks they can as they have convinced her of that.... Am I right? Theres no way he would do anything legally to see the child if she were to get away because he never supported the several children he had ( he has a son i believe about 6 who he has never visited because he says his mom and her parents wont let him" good reason for that I told my daughter.....so I try to convince her he's all talk and a bully who wants to control her and have an innocent child to abuse. My other daughter was in the hospital room when the baby was born and he wasnt even 4 hours old and this guy had him and yelled at him "SHutup boy dont make me whip your butt" a newborn.....God forbid.....and he told my daughter (the mom) and you too.... this guy is dangerous...I keep telling her to just leave... and come home that he will not get her or that baby here.. no way....shes scared and she believes him....she thinks they will keep her baby...I told her it dont work like that..that he cannot keep the baby....he doesnt work hasnt bought the child one thing not even milk....I told her GET OUT and get home and soon she would be like the others just someone he bullied and he will move on to another defensless woman he can manipulate....I told her he never bothered to try to get any of his other kids all these years hes just manipulating her because she is easily led. What can I do? Please help me... My child and my grandchild will be abused if they stay there I cant go get her they wont let her tell me where they live....they never leave her alone so she wont leave.. shes like a prisoner... please help... please.... thanks

TX2Step ~ I myself was in a horrible situation similiar to what you daughter is in. I was 19 and very naive. I was 8 months pregnant when my parents found out I was even pregnant. I hadn't spoken to my parents in 9 months by this point. I was scared of not only my child's BF but the disappointment that I would cause my parents. However I decided for the life of my child I had to get out and stay out. I left one day while the BF was at work. My mom dad grandmother grandfather my Dad's bestfriend and my mom's bestfriend (I call them the calvary) came and rescued me. She needs to call 911 and tell them that she is being held against her will. While the police are there she can call you and have you come and get her. I had all the threats of the BF taking my child or of killing me or my family. I had to find the strength for myself and my child to stand up to them. The only way that she can loose that child is if she's proven to be an "UNFIT" mother which from the sounds of things she IS NOT. The BF of your grandson has mental problems and your daughter and grandson need to get out now before someone is seriously hurt. Has the BF's rights been terminated towards the other children? If so he won't be considered to have many rights to your grandson. From what I've been told and you may want to consult an attorney but if someone's rights have been terminated by a court to a child then it's likely that he will loose rights to all children that he has. He has been proven "UNFIT" and the courts don't typically give someone a second chance when it comes to kids that way. I will tell you this. You MUST get to an attorney NOW with your daughter and place temporary orders in affect so the BF can't take the child. Until a court gives orders the BF has every right to take the child. I know for 2 months I made sure every door and window was locked at my house in fear that he would come in and take my child. Once the judge put temporary orders in affect I relaxed a little. I was still scared and looked over my shoulder everywhere I went but I knew I had custody of my son. Abusive men are manipulative and they don't get better it will only get worse. The odds of a women surviving an abuser is that they will leave 4 times or they will be killed. Please get your daughter out as soon as possible. They CAN NOT take that child. The grandparents have no say. PLEASE PLEASE SAVE YOUR DAUGHTER AND GRANDSON. If you have any questions please let me know and I'll help if I can. txtaylor@aol.com

I agree with txtaylor; however I don't believe your daughter will call 911 and ask the police for help. You will not want to but the best thing to do would be to go to the police that have juridiction where your daughter lives explain the situation to the officer and request a police escort over there. Try to do this at time when you know the boyfriend is not there and it's just his parents your daughter and granchild. It will be hard enough for your daughter to leave with the boyfriend's parents there; however if he is there it will be damn near impossible. Once you get your daughter and grandchild home you will want to take steps to make sure she can't contact the boyfriend and he her. If getting your daughter and grandchild out with a police escort does not work call CPS. I know you don't want to but it may just be the wake up your daughter needs. Also contact an attorney immediately about getting temporary gaurdianship for the grandchild. If your daughter's fear is stopping her for doing what is best for the child then you must. Don't let fear stop you from taking action as well. Most Family Law attornies give a free initial consultation so please make an appointment with an attorney today.

She can't get a police escort to where her daughter is because she doesn't know where that is. That's why I told her to have her daughter call the police and they will assist her in getting her Mother to her to pick her up. I agree with you. Someone needs to intervene. Good Luck!

Thanks for the advice. No shes not unfit at all. She doesnt drink do drugs or run the streets. Shes just very naive and is easily controlled by this lunatic. His parents do her the same way. Once before she left and stayed here where she was safe. His father found out and told him "whats wrong with you why didnt you bring her here?" meaning their house. He abuses his wife so you can see where the son gets it. I've told her to call 911 and say she wants to come home but she believes if she does that he will keep the baby and let her go..... He has a son like I said about 6. He's never seen him. He's never even tried. That girl and her parents took the child and never allowed him too. I dont think his rights were relinquished its just that once people stand up to him as they did he doesnt bother anymore....he never attempts to see his first sonnor support nor anything....last time she was here she filed charges on him for beating her and burning her stuff....all he got was more probation and anger managment classes...his deal is he thrives on having kids that he does not and will not support....his aunt once asked him "whens it going to stop?" and he said "Im gonna reproduce until I cant reproduce no more".....I personally would prefer casturation sorry but hes a class A jerk with some dangerously out of control issues... Problem is she wont do anything unless hes gone and then she will call me to come get her... His parents stay even in the room with her when and that is rare that she calls me.... Its pathetic. I've talked to the police and they say she has to call for help....I've sent them to their old house before but they could not get her to leave he was there and she thinks he will kill her if she goes or even says she wants to go... I know one thing if she ever gets here with that baby they will NOT be allowed here EVER. I dont think he will try to do anything legal regarding the baby hes just too much a loser...he'd just move on to some other girl and make her pregnant again.... His current wife has a protective order against him.. I keep telling my daughter that theres no judge in the world who would side with some man who is ordered away from his previous kids for beating them who has no job is a drug user has no home nothing..... when shes with us shes well...has her own room/living area...clean home good food security and freedom... Its just getting her to make that break... Sometimes I feel I'm at my wits end.... I agree with all you she needs to get out... I keep waiting for them to just come by hopefully then I will send my daughter to the other rooom to change the baby and politely tell them shes not leaving with you so please leave my home now and do not come back or call... they have no choice but to leave....or I'll call the cops myself and have them removed.... If she could get here I could help her...

<QUOTE>Posted by tx2step:
My daughter age 22 has had an on again off again relationship with a man her age. He is abusive and has had many children out of wedlock in the past. None of his children are allowed to see him. He supports none of them but thrives on making women pregnant. His last childs mother has a protective order against for beating his year old daughter for not drinking her water!! Needless to say my daughter got pregnant by this creep. We have cared for her most of her pregnancy as he did things to her like burn all her things beat her threaten to kill us etc. His mother and father are total enablers and get him out of trouble at any time they themselves fight daily and alway take the sons side.. She went back because she thought he would be nice. Well she had the baby 2 weeks ago. I saw the baby in the hospital but he took them to his parents home and refuses to let her come home....the parents help him by making sure she is never alone so she can leave....never alone... theyre all in a one bedroom apartment he's being mean and she cries to me that she told him she wants to come home and he said "you can get but youre not taking the baby"....his parents refuse to bring her home and he has total control of her. Shes very naive and believes everything he says....and his parents....they only want the child there for income tax purposes as they have all these other grandchildren they cant see because their son is well in my opinion sick. We had bought all the things for the baby and he refuses to let her use them he wont let her call home shes believing that if she tries to leave he will keep the baby and she also believes that they will take the baby away from her. I have told her many times wake up and smell the coffee.. he cannot nor his parents keep you there....you are not married to him (he is married already but cannot contact his wife or child for beating them)I tell her just because you had his baby doesnt mean you have to stay with him and certainly doesnt mean that HE or HIS PARENTS can take the child away from her..she thinks they can as they have convinced her of that.... Am I right? Theres no way he would do anything legally to see the child if she were to get away because he never supported the several children he had ( he has a son i believe about 6 who he has never visited because he says his mom and her parents wont let him" good reason for that I told my daughter.....so I try to convince her he's all talk and a bully who wants to control her and have an innocent child to abuse. My other daughter was in the hospital room when the baby was born and he wasnt even 4 hours old and this guy had him and yelled at him "SHutup boy dont make me whip your butt" a newborn.....God forbid.....and he told my daughter (the mom) and you too.... this guy is dangerous...I keep telling her to just leave... and come home that he will not get her or that baby here.. no way....shes scared and she believes him....she thinks they will keep her baby...I told her it dont work like that..that he cannot keep the baby....he doesnt work hasnt bought the child one thing not even milk....I told her GET OUT and get home and soon she would be like the others just someone he bullied and he will move on to another defensless woman he can manipulate....I told her he never bothered to try to get any of his other kids all these years hes just manipulating her because she is easily led. What can I do? Please help me... My child and my grandchild will be abused if they stay there I cant go get her they wont let her tell me where they live....they never leave her alone so she wont leave.. shes like a prisoner... please help... please.... thanks</QUOTE> Your situation is a living nightmare If it was me I would contact a batter's women group and try to find out as much information as I could or go on the internet and find some. Whatever the source you need some solid information on abusive relationships. I think most likely that sooner or later your daughter may call you in the middle of the night and tell you that she has been abused and she wants you to come get her. I hate to say that but he will abuse her if he has abused others. What ever happens she needs some serious education on why she is in an abusive relationship she may leave him but my go back if she doesn't get any education on this. It's hard to see the big picture when she is in the middle of it. Get all the pamphlets and information you can and of what kind of help is out there for when she does leave. Atleast it will make you feel better that you are doing what you can for right now. Good luck and I hope it ends soon!

Yes it is a nightmare. I'm stressed to the max worrying about a granchild I've not seen since he was a few hours old....and my daughter. Problem is I HAVE intervened many times prior to her being pregnant when they lived alone. I've called the police sent them over there several times told them she was being held against her will etc but when they got there she would say "no tell my mama i'm okay" (even though I just talked with her and she wanted to come home but he wouldnt let her) and the officers would end up calling me and almost giving me some kind of speech like I was butting in and shes of age leave her alone well hey I'd say she called me and told me to call you... I've done this several times. The last time she came home she filed charges on him he went to jail got out....we changed our number so he couldnt reach us he wont come here he's afraid of being put in jail if he does....we had her room all done for her had the babys stuff all ready had her applied on medicaid and wic for help her appointment was already scheduled for the birth the dr. was going to put her under "jane doe" and not let anyone get to her she was to have the baby I was going to stay with her come home and all would be well.... but with 3 weeks to go she left the house in the middle of the night and ran off with him again.... Shes done this several times already....she does fine here then just decides to run off back to him then calls later with the same old "i want to come home help me".... Although i worry about her and the child my husband and I are getting tired of helping her only to have her sneak off without so much of a note....and she knows how the guy is she knows what will happen yet she still goes.... now here she is again after i stressed over and over do NOT go back you have it made here and she did it now shes again saying she wants to come home.... its getting very tiring... i might add i am 44 my husband is 32 and we have a son 4 years old....i also have another daughter with 2 grandchildren so my life is very busy and hectic... she tends to add enormous stress to the whole family by doing this crazy stuff that makes no sense to me at all. I'm wondering now should I just let her learn a lesson and try not to stress to the point of bad health..??

Sounds like to me your daughter is like that story about a boy crying wolf. It only works so long as you keep falling for it. I am sure it is very difficult to NOT help your daughter but sometimes 'tough' love is the best solution. This may be the case for you. To be fair you can warn your daughter that you will help one last time but if she fails to take your help sincerely then keep your word that you are not going to help again. In no way this is sound legal advice but in my situation it worked for me. It may or may not work for you. It all depends on you your daughter and the environment you both are in but mainly it depends on you. Words or promises don't mean a thing if you don't keep them. That's my two-cents worth.

<QUOTE>Posted by newseed:
Sounds like to me your daughter is like that story about a boy crying wolf. It only works so long as you keep falling for it. I am sure it is very difficult to NOT help your daughter but sometimes 'tough' love is the best solution. This may be the case for you. To be fair you can warn your daughter that you will help one last time but if she fails to take your help sincerely then keep your word that you are not going to help again. In no way this is sound legal advice but in my situation it worked for me. It may or may not work for you. It all depends on you your daughter and the environment you both are in but mainly it depends on you. Words or promises don't mean a thing if you don't keep them. That's my two-cents worth.</QUOTE> Well...tough love is probable eaiser said then done but it may be a good statigic move but I am not a mother so I can only imagine that this task is probable easier said then done especially with a little baby is involved. I had a friend that is sick and stays with a abusive man for what reason I can't explain besides the fact that she is sick. Her mother has done everything just like you and it's going on for over 10 years now. We are no longer friends because her life has too much misery and she is not going to change it. I see that you have a little one to raise and that is your responsibility to not be stressed out around him because of what your daughter chooses to do. Like the police said she is a grown women and she needs to I quess fiqure out that she is the one that's going to have to make her life better. I don't understand why in the middle of the night she left to be with that A## but she did and she should be responsible for her decision and your life is too full to have to deal with her mistakes. Buy a book on tough love and abusive relationships for your children it's probable loaded with info on how to get some positive response from your daughter. Let me say again that this task is probable easier said then done but it is worth a try for your grandchilds sake . And it may be the only way for it to end soon. Good luck!!

well I did use the tough love approach this last time. She came home I told her it was just like in baseball 3 strikes and your out. I stressed to her that we are tired of the games and in effect feel like she's "using" us only when they fight or things arent going "her" way with them then she wants to run home. Long enough for us to tend to her every need. She finds it very simple to lie to us or just leave us without so much a note but cannot seem to do it to him someone who is such a jerk... She left this time and I told her she could not come back. Well I was sticking to that but the thought of that poor baby over there being yelled at even in infancy by this lunatic not having the things he would have here the structure the emotional needs met social needs medical and environmental needs....it just makes me weak. The baby has no toys or anything like he would have if he were here...he has nothing. I had bought all the things for him but that ass wont let my daughter use them hes' such a jerk.... I told her you must stop thinking about YOU. Its not about YOU anymore. Once you are a mother its about the CHILD. I dont know. Im sure if she comes dragging up baby in tow her room is ready and clean....maybe I'll never learn but I'd like to at least make sure the child is raised correctly....loving everyone manners routine and security.... I have to mention we are white my new grandbaby is bi-racial. His father is black. He HATES me and tells my daughter all the time things about being white. They are very hung up on the "white man got the black man down" thing. I find that very out dated and offensive. I know he will instill these values in the child and in my home my kids are taught everyone is to be loved because jesus loves all his children....I have 3 godchildren who are black...my grandchildren are part spanish so I dont have a prejudice bone in my body....it offends me that this guy calls my daughter "cracker" etc and its a shame that if the child is allowed in his life he will surely teach him the same things. Its just not right. I might also add that all his other children are bi-racial. All the mothers are white. I've told my daughter thats because a black woman wouldnt take his kind of treatment five minutes and they'd whip his butt.... Its just a mess I tell you about ready to just let it go if it werent for the innocent child...