Child Custody
I need some opinions and some advice. I'm the grandmother of a beautiful 2 1/2 year old grand daughter. When she was born my daughter lived with the man who she believed to be the father. I'm sure their plans were to get married so she put his last name as my grand daughter’s last name.
**A little history. This guy is mentally and physically abusive. To what extent she will never divulge. I have personally witnessed his mental abuse.
After the baby was less than a year old they broke up. She moved in with me and he and her started this shared custody thing where he has her for a week then she has her for a week. The fights never stopped, it was ridiculous, who's buying diapers, who's buying clothes, "you can't have the clothes I paid for", who's paying for gas to travel to exchange for the week. He moved farther away which made it very difficult.
Well, as the baby got older she began to take on the appearance of my daughters ex boyfriend. I knew right away that the man who thought he was the father was not the father. I told her to come clean but she was scared he would hurt her or try to take the baby from her.
**More history, her father and I were divorced since she was 2 and she didn't get to spend a lot of time with him, he lived very far away, and she regrets that. So now she doesn’t want that for her child.
After time has passed the real father (or the person we believe to be the real father) and she have decided to not say anything (no DNA TEST!). To allow this individual to believe he is the father (as his was appearing to be a good one at the time) and just let things lay the way they are. (The real father was in a relationship and was about to get married and didn’t want to “rock the boat”) I begged her to please come clean.
Now, when the baby turned 2, someone (anonymously) has texted this man with "you need a DNA, child not yours". Well this started yet another ball of fire rolling. He was so angry (as he should be) but to my surprise didn't get a DNA. I think (after looking at face book pictures of the real dad) he believed it to be true but loved the baby so much didn't want to "know for sure". I thought all this would be over, that we would have this man out of our lives once and for all. But no, my daughter is very adamant that this is her father (the baby’s father in every sense of the word) and we have to work with him. Granted he buys all kinds of things for my grand daughter and his family (a big one) treat her as though the text message was never sent. But it has come to this. This guy wants total control over my grand daughter and my daughter. Who she can see and date, where she can live, who the sitters will be, etc... But does not show her the same respect on his end of the deal (they are still flipping weeks). At least every 6 months he is threatening her with a law suit and says he is going to take the baby from her.
I feel that even though he got the bad end of the stick, he is not a good father for the baby. He is teaching her to have hate in her heart as he is always on "the band wagon" about one thing or another. My daughter is always crying and stressed out.
I tell my daughter get the DNA, prove who the father is once and for all. If he turns out to be the father God help us all. If not, then get the real dad to sign parental rights over to you and allow the other to see her on your terms. If he keeps acting like the person he is proving to be then cut it off. She is refusing. She thinks that once she gets the parental right from the dad that she can let the other adopt her.
I'm no lawyer but can she do that? They aren't married, they don't live together (in fact she has a boyfriend living with her right now) can she go into a court room and say I want this man to adopt my child and share custody with me?
Anyway it's making me crazy. Lots of kids in this world grow up to be smart, healthy, productive human beings having been raised by only one parent. Why force this individual on your child simply because you don't want her to be without a father.
Thoughts?
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