I am a mom of a 10 year old daughter and was looking to update and modify our parenting agreement with the courts. I have had a lot of troubles in the last few years with her father and his live in girlfriend and have reached my breaking point. I am not looking to get full custody, but I want to see if I can have the courts reduce his parenting time, by taking his wednesday overnight away.

Aside from the troubles I have had, my husband and I provide a loving, stable home, where my daughter has her own room and plenty of quiet space to do her school work. Her father lives in a small apartment with his girlfriend, her daughter and their son, and when my daughter is there it just seems crazy for 5 people to be in this apartment. This would be my grounds for wanting the change, is this viable? Or would it be a waste of time and money?

I know a 10 year old doesn't have much say, but if she didn't want to go on the one weekday would it hold any merit? Her father and the gf, also have told her recently that I am horrible and horrendous, and it really hurt her. She really looks up to me and it was pretty shocking that they would say this with no logical or grounds for it.

If I did try to make this change, would it be spitefull looking for me to document all the bad things they say? or would that make it look like I wanted to reduce his parenting time because I was mad at him?

Also, I did suggest going to mediation and he said that I have no grounds, yet he is up for it so that I can make a fool of myself.... do I need his consent to make the mediation appointment, or should i just do it?

Thank you!

You can make the mediation appointment, but given what you've told us, there's no chance that the court is going to modify custody. Even if there were 10 people in the apartment, as long as it's deemed fit shelter, providing protection from the elements, not infested with vermins, has flushing toilets and running water, and is otherwise sanitary, the number of people living there, especially when she's only visiting overnight, isn't going to be an issue for the courts. So long as dad wants to exercise his visitation, and can provide a safe environment to do so (even if a crowded one), the courts will favor keeping an involved parent involved.

Ten year olds can be pretty discerning, and if, as you say, she already looks up to you, it would appear to be impacting YOU more than the child...so yes, you'll want to consider carefully before attacking his parenting time....such things have a nasty way of getting turned around and biting the one bringing the issue. My parents divorced when I was 6, and it only took 2 or 3 times of me telling my dad "I don't want to hear it" before he figured out that trying to get to mom through me wasn't going to work. Your more realistic approach is to not give dad the joy of your negative reaction (or to get him into court where he can ask for MORE or start making accusations of his own), and to help teach your child skills of boundaries,especailly for those times when dad is being a jerk - because just being a jerk isn't going to get anything in court, except expensive.

You might also check out a book by Julie Ross called "Joint Custody with a Jerk". It talks a lot about situations like these, and gives good pointers for both parent and child (and parent communicating WITH child). Your local library may have it, or you can usually find it used online for about $1.

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Thank you for the reply, it was very helpful.

Have you browsed through the information in LawInfo's Free Legal Resource Center to learn more about your issue yet? See: http://www.lawinfo.com/consumer.html and http://resources.lawinfo.com/en/index.html. You can certainly try to speak to a lawyer to determine what legal options may be available. In the meantime, you may be able to learn more on your own. Search the "Free Legal Resources" tab, or browse the Consumer Resources. Good luck.